Five IoT Devices That Will Make You Question Your Sanity

There are 13.4 billion IoT connected devices in ‘use’ today. By 2020, Juniper Research predicts that there will be 38.5 billion. Anything that can be connected will be. If you like it, then you should put a chip in it. As a semi-professional tech writer, I also harbour dreams of writing other things, novels, stories, films, pipe dreams.

One recurring theme is total surveillance; corporate hooligans with vertically integrated companies who not only build the homes of the future but own all the utilities that are piped in, they even own the supermarkets. Of course, being corporations they’re driven by profit, the best way to maximise profit is to measure everything. How do you measure everything? You put a goddamn chip in it and connect it to the internet.

Fridge opened at 2am. Two slices of cake removed. That’s an extra 20 minutes on the rowing machine before your door unlocks. Otherwise your risk of diabetes marginally increase and with it the chances of a trip to the hospital. Protecting you, protecting profit.

Dystopic Futures aside, the present is mad enough. So here are the top 10 IoT devices you didn’t know you didn’t need.

5. Pantelligent

Pantelligent is an IoT device for those who "can't cook"

Sorry Granny, my pan has all the recipes I’ll ever need now.

If you’re like Soylent CEO Rob Rhinehart, you know that things, like cooking and alternating current, are only for filthy plebs/robots.

Kitchens are expensive and dirty. – Rob Rhinehart

The guys over at Pantelligent have created a frying pan that has a temperature sensor inside. You download the app and your phone can then talk to your pan. It tells you when to flip when to turn the heat up or down when to stir. This is basically Google Maps for food.

But I was questioning too much. Part of the appeal of a smart pan is that it takes the thinking out of cooking, turning it into something that if not automatic is at least automated. – Rachel Z. Arndt Popular Mechanics

Do not question the machines.

4. HidrateSpark

HidrateSpark IoT Water Bottle, because uhhhhhhh

Pavlov waiting to happen.

Are you constantly forgetting to drink water? Are you too busy gawping into a screen or at your children’s faces to notice you have turned into a raisin? HidrateSpark (what a terrible name) is a water bottle that tracks your water intake and it glows to remind you to drink.

HidrateSpark (seriously, stop) was a Kickstarter success; 8,015 people pledged $627,644. Whatever then, I’m so analog.

3. Bright Grill

Crowdgrilling will turn you into an idiot

Please stop.

Another cooking device, thankfully this one never made it to fruition falling way short of its Kickstarter goal. While Pantelligent is, at least, teaching you how to cook Bright Grill looks like it belongs in Idiocracy.

It’s Time for a Smart Grill for Smart People!  – Bright Grill

That sounds like something Trump would say.

2. Belty

" Belty can actually “talk” to you Belty Good Vibes can communicate through vibrations that help you and your body take immediate actions in real-time. Talk to Belty by simply tapping on the buckle. The smart belt will also learn from you."

Yeah, walk around tapping your belt buckle to make it vibrate.

This is basically a low-intensity shock collar. Belty is a belt. That will help you “enjoy simple moments throughout the day” just like a real lover should. Yes, Belty will “send good vibes your way”.

Belty Good Vibes is for the everyday go-getter who wants to increase their energy levels and improve their wellness.  – Belty

1. iKettle

iKettle, brew from anywhere

Remote brew, because walking to the, uh, movement.

The IoT is all about efficiency. Whether you’re walking better with Belty or not burning your salmon with Pantelligent. iKettle lets you brew from anywhere. It claims to be able to save you two days per year. Although let’s hope the firmware doesn’t need updating all the time.

Stay connected with your kitchen and live Smarter – Smarter (see what they did there)

For more Internet of Things Shit devices do check out the Internet of Things  Twitter and on Tumblr We Put A Chip In It!